Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
