If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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