gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
