Someone shit on the floor
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
