they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So many bounce houses so little time
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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