I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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