you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
