i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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