My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
