drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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