There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
