I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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