Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
