Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
