I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
