I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
