Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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