i just had sex bonerless
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Watching her eat just hurts me
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
