Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
