There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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