i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
