so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
should my penis look like a turkey
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
