he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
