I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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