i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
