i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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