So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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