The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
