When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
