Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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