WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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