Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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