I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
