That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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