we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
