Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
