I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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