...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
