i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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