o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
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