my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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