Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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