Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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