I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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