we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
