I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
