Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
