They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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