were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
