he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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